just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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