I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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