I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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