The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
