Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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