How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
