i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
