Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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