just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Fuck appropriateness.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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