Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
