You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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