Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.