Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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