At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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