Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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