oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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