Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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