god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
