Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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