So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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