OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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