I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
