it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
