doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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