I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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