I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
