The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
