i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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