Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
