i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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