Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
