Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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