there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
