He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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