I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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