Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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