I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
