Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
