the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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