He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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