you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
