Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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