I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
