why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
