Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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