Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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