My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
