What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
