Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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