He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
