ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
