I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please come you make the beer taste better
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This is my gift to your gina
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
