either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
