My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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