Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
