she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do vagina's smell?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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