This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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