There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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