nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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