11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
